Searching for Something

I’m not a shopper. More the type that will buy something if I’ve a) given something away or b) worn through a pair of pants, shoes, or shirts. So the fact that this morning I bought three pairs of shoes, and about five shirts, one pair of pants, and a couple dresses, well, scares me. This has happened to me before. It was March 2007 to be exact. After the breakup, all I could do was buy things. It wasn’t a one time thing – it became a repeat offense. Buying three pairs of shoes one day and two the next. I stocked up then like I am now, buying with the hope that the pleasure of the act would bring me back to normal. But I’m reminded that all the stuff I bought in March 2007 was stuff that I ended up giving away in 2008. I never sported it.

So here I am, again, trying to bring back some kind of normalcy by doing something that I never do in the first place. How that works, I’m not so sure. I bought three pairs of shoes because I couldn’t make a decision. I bought a pair of jeans without trying them on because they looked good on the hanger. I bought dresses that I’ll most likely never wear – but what it comes down to is I needed to do this. I can’t stay still with my thoughts for too long or else I drive myself crazy – thinking, wishing, crying, remembering – so much emotion that all I could think to do was escape by focusing on something simple, like shopping. An act that tricks me into thinking that what I’m searching for is on this rack in this store on that street in that direction. But in the end, I know that what I’m after isn’t here.

I’m literally sitting in my apartment looking at the bags and boxes and shaking my head. Normal … not sure I know what that feels like anymore.

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