Living in Question Marks

I want to scream and go crazy and dance around my room, because sometimes my head fills with so many thoughts and emotions.

Sometimes I want to cry and I do, and I let it go. Other times I let it boil and then I need to dance; I need to move so that whatever is inside of me that needs to come out, does.

But the problem is I can’t identify what it is that is inside of me that needs to come out. It’s like this swell of emotion and it rages and it’s not negative. It’s actually positive and beautiful, and full and alive, and it wants to come out and it wants to breathe and it wants to be shared, but I don’t know what it is or what it’s for.

I can’t characterize it so it sits there and it swells and then fades, and then bursts up again, and

I have to dance

I have to write

I have to draw doors and do watercolors

and then I realize all the different art forms there are out there

and then I question if I am expressing myself in the right one

Do I need to merge them together? Do I need to define myself as more than one, and, can I? And of course I can, because I can be anything.

To be an expert at one thing makes you a novice at others.

I want to be everything.

I want to capture every thing.

I want to illuminate what’s mundane because it’s not at all dull.

I want to capture the cars on the BQE.

I want to capture the policewoman on the street conducting traffic.

I want to capture my computer at night with its light.

I want to capture sound.

How do I do it? How do I put it all in one place so that others can see how much beauty is around everywhere. How can I make others see how beautiful this world is in all of its ugliness and tragedy.

How do I push through it?

How do I let the world see the beauty of it all?

Through what art form?

Through what lens?

What lens shows what I see best?

What form does it take?

How do you reach people when you don’t know what it is you want to say but know that you have something to say?

Do you have to know what you want to say to say something at all?

I know there’s a lot in there and there are wheels turning and connections being made, but I have yet to connect the dots. I have yet to stop and look at them and really put them together, but maybe I don’t want to stop and analyze. Maybe all I want to do is experience what the feeling and emotion is and what it is trying to teach me.

Maybe it’s not going to teach me anything, but I feel this build up. It’s a build up like something amazing and big and unbelievable is about to happen and I don’t know what it is but I know it’s there.

It’s a moving target waiting for me to hit it. Waiting for me to take action.

And I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to make it there, but I know I will. I will make it to wherever it is I’m supposed to because I know big things are happening, because I know things are moving around me and working beyond me.

The point is I’m moving. Inside, my mind is moving, my mind is working, and I’m moving. My body is moving, right now, my hands are moving and that’s a good thing. There’s movement. I am not stuck I am moving.

What it is I don’t know, but I feel it.

I can feel it.

And I don’t know how to do anything about it except to do just this, to feel it and live it, and cry with it because sometimes it’s overwhelming and intense and I don’t know how to work with all the emotion of what it is, because I don’t know what it is exactly at all. But it’s a feeling and it’s big and it’s true and it’s happening.

And I’ll know when it’s happened because it’s going to feel like being naked under a waterfall.

by