I Can’t Stop

The journey of loss. I’m not walking. I’m floating through memories, thoughts, days and nights. Some hours of the day are bearable, but the reality of it beats with my heart. Often times I sit outside and all I can do is stare. I think, but about nothing. I watch, but see nothing. I eat, but taste nothing. I do anything to feel normal – but don’t feel any of it.

Images of you flash through my mind – not still images, but active ones. Video clips of you walking, laughing, cracking your knee, reading, writing, cooking, and sleeping. I remember writing a piece about you sleeping. It was in college – and I found it fascinating how peaceful and happy you seemed while in your dreams. I loved seeing your face relax and your bottom lip quiet. Some would call these moments mundane – but to me – the day-to-day of you was anything but that.

The moments of simply being with you is what I miss the most. And it’s most difficult when the person who you know would be able to pull you up out of the doldrums is the person who is gone.

I feel stuck. I keep wanting to wake up and feel something. I can’t stop wishing for what I can no longer have. I can’t stop my mind from running without direction. I can’t stop seeing your feet in your flip flops. I can’t stop seeing¬† your left hand writing gorgeous phrases. I can’t stop seeing you standing on the corner in New York with the black Manhattan Portage bag we bought when we were 19. I can’t stop seeing your face when you led us three hours in the wrong direction. I can’t stop seeing us burning tics off each other. I can’t stop seeing your face after you got your nose pierced. I can’t stop thinking about the first night we met. I can’t stop seeing you and my sister fighting at the NYC Marathon about the fastest way to get to my parents hotel. I can’t stop seeing us laughing together, sitting and talking for hours, playing rumi or pool, driving and listening to Manu Chao. I can’t stop seeing you. And I know that even though you’re gone – I’ll keep seeing you, forever.

I am so blessed to have known you. To have loved and been loved by you, and to still love you.

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  • Paul

    I hope you are doing better. Your pain hurts my heart. I know sometimes you feel despair for so long, but things will change. Believe in yourself. A person that can love as deeply as you do will get hurt, but you also have the compassion and ability to love that way again. It will happen. Someone will fill that void, just be good to yourself and believe. My thoughts are with you

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