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Past = Present = Future

Posted by on Mar 16, 2010

So it has been a while since my last entry. The reason, I couldn’t find my password. I know – lame. Anyhow – a quick update on the status of turning New York into Madrid, since I’m almost at the end of my stay in the Big Apple. I think I’ve managed to find common ground. Sure – my experiences are different, the way I feel in New York compared to Madrid is different, but all-in-all New York ain’t that bad a place.

It’s not that New York offers me all that Madrid does, but I guess I’ve been able to live in New York differently this time around. I’ve been able to enjoy the city more, by bringing more of my Madrid lifestyle into it. Also – it’s nice to be surrounded by memories. In Madrid my apartment is clean and spacious, with a little book collection and bits of decoration. But here in New York – my apartment is full of artist prints, photo albums, old books, old papers, newspapers i’ve saved for inspiration, and old journals.

The other day I looked through my journals as far back as 1990 something … When I was in middle school, then when I went to Cape Code with my highschool freshman year class, then I found my camp journals, then the college years, and suddenly realized that after college my journaling stopped. Looking back through the pages I was amazed to learn so much about myself. And the strange part about it all was that Spain was always in the pages. I guess I never realized that I’ve always had a love affair with the culture, place, and people. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what your thoughts were when you were younger – what your infatuations were … but what’s interesting is that those exact feelings/questions and wants at least for me haven’t really changed.

From my journal 8/19/2004

Another beautiful day. The Morning. I love the morning because there is so much opportunity, because there are so many things that could be done today. I have written close to everyday here. I think it really is the environment that propels me to write. Even though my writing hasn’t been about anything – it is getting me back into feeling the pen in my hand. A couple of months ago I picked up a pen and began to write. After a couple of minutes my hand became so tired that I had to put it down. I had computer syndrome. My handwriting today is a bit better than yesterdays or the day before.

I have fallen in love with this place. It is just so beautiful. How does one live with such beauty? How does one sit in such beauty without feeling something hard pulsing through their veins. I am mesmerized by the horizon and the gate that leads to the sea. I am mesmerized by the silence and sincerity of the shore. Why leave? Is it bad to love so hard? Is it hard to love so much? Is it possible to fool yourself into love? Into believing you are when you aren’t? When do we know we have made the right decisions? Do we ever know.

I feel lost at sea when I sit and listen. Lost and love every moment. Lost and not yearning to be found. Pausing for empty thoughts that are so deep and heavy that they evaporate inside.

The sun is setting and is bright in my eyes because it is no longer hidden by clouds. It fades fast and soon night will surround me and I’ll want to dance. ¬†Why leave this place?

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