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After Breakup Special

Posted by on Nov 1, 2011

We all want to feel special. We do things for ourselves, like get manicures and pedicures, to feel good; we do things for other people so that after we do them they make us feel good for doing good; we work hard to prove how good we are at what we do; we get into relationships so that we can make someone else feel special and in return they  make us feel special.  So it makes sense that when we no longer feel special, all we want is to get that feeling back.

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my friends lately about breakups. Face it, they suck. Nobody wants to invest time in getting to know somebody, open up to them, only to have all of that closeness / specialness thrown out the window with a phrase like, “I think we’re better off as friends”. But, when it happens, there’s nothing anyone can do expect move on and know that it wasn’t meant to be. If they aren’t the right person then you don’t want to be with them because you want to be with the right person, the one who is  going to make you feel special for all your life.

Most of my friends get all that, which I think is the blessing of being in our thirties. But one thing I have noted that I never did before, is the need to feel like you mattered.

Scenario:

Girlfriend: These are the things I want.

Boyfriend: Well, I don’t.

Girlfriend: Then we should stop seeing each other.

They stop seeing each other and he no longer calls, texts, e-mails. The now ex-girlfriend is annoyed by ex-boyfriends lack of contact. Not because she wants to get back together with him, but because she doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for him to not call, text, or e-mail. “It’s like all the time we spent with each other didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him.”  A couple weeks go by and she still hears nothing. Of course, you think, they aren’t together anymore so why would she hear something. But here lies the kicker … Even though they aren’t together anymore, she still wants to feel like she was special to him. Why? Because right now she doesn’t feel any kind of special.

Drunk text by ex-girlfriend’s friend to ex-boyfriend: Was just thinking of you. Hope you’re well. If you told me you’ve missed me, I’d appreciate it (wink, wink).

Ex-boyfriend Response: Of course I’ve missed you. I wanted to call, but I also wanted to respect your wishes. Even though I think it was the right thing to do, it still hurts.

From the above response, ex-girlfriend is cured. “She mattered” can now be shouted from the rooftops. Ex-girlfriend again feels special, and so she can now fully close the book of ex-boyfriend. He now becomes a non entity.

Feeling special after a breakup is hard because it’s easy to think you never mattered to the person you were with. But note that the only reason you may think that is because you’re no longer talking to that person, so they can’t tell you that you were special to them.

If you want to know you mattered to someone who you’re no longer with – all you have to do is ask.

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